Alright, so here it goes...I haven't ever gotten too personal on this thing, but I think I have just about gotten to my breaking point. Have any of you been upset or maybe justa little frustrated with the whole answer-to-prayers-thing? You feel so good about one decision, you get the answer yes, to go ahead are pursue it, and here we are a year later, and NOTHING...so you start to question your ability to receive answers to prayers...did we even get the right answer? Did we go down the wrong path? Are we suppossed to change course now? What are we suppossed to have learned? Are we wasting our energy?
Honestly, its not me that I feel bad for! My dear husband, has been working so hard at pursuing his dreams, all the while, still working full-time to provide what he can for us. We both felt so strongly about him pursuing his dream of being in law enforcement, and I know it takes a while for these kind of things to come-about...but how long do we wait? I guess if its really something that we want, we just have to wait, but at what expense? Hey, at least he has a job currently, so he is making something...but we are a family of 5, and would love the opportunity to have a bigger family...but can't do that unless we have the finances to back it! Hence, a CAREER would be lovely.
So, I have been struggling with the principle of Faith, having faith that the Lord knows me, knows my concerns, knows that we need help, I need help. I just watched a movie..."Faith like Potatoes" to watch this farmers faith at work, was miraculous....to have such un-ending faith, not even a blink of an eye...nothing wavering.. To have faith like Nephi...when asked to go and do...He went and did, KNOWING full well that the Lord would not ask him to do anything save he shall prepare a way to do it!... Where does that Faith come from? How do I achieve it? I know...after faith...comes the miracle?!? We need a miracle, but I am afraid that I don't know how to just let it go and give it to God...have that faith that is so needed...
Is that kind of faith learned? Are you born with it? What puzzle piece am I missing here? Is it my own fears that are getting in the way? (Probably) So, what to do?!?! I don't know, I have been counseled to strengthen my faith...I am trying, i really am, its just taking me a while to figure this all out in my head. Maybe thats the problem, I am using my head too much and not my heart...
Many Faces
4 years ago
5 comments:
Oh Allia, my heart aches for you. Matt and I have experienced a lot of the same trials and STILL are, even after 10 years. I don't mean to tell you that to make it seem like it will last forever, but that it WILL come full circle. I PROMISE. I know it's hard. But I know that as long as you work together with Eric it will all work out. Maybe not exactly how YOU want it, but exactly how the Lord wants it. Sorry it's not great or profound or anything. I love ya! And I'm pulling for ya.
Hang in there. I know the feeling. It's times like these when it's more important to keep doing all the basic stuff, read scriptures, pray, go to church etc and have faith that the Lord will provide the way in his terms and his timetable. In the last 8 years I've had 2 major trials where I was in the same mind set you are, one took 2 years the other 3 1/2. It is ALL on the Lords time table, but it always works out for the best. I'm praying for you.
That last line was so telling....using your head to much and not your heart. I fall prey to that one everytime. Too often I pray and tell the Lord, "I leave it in your hands" and 2 minutes later I'm saying "Lord I left it in your hands now where is the answer?" I'm impatient.
I learned a very valuable lesson last year, it's kind of a long story but I'll try to make it short since I'm already writing a novel for a comment. We were living in Las Vegas and I was pregnant with our 5th child, we were preparing to move to Kansas, I prayed and prayed that the Lord would allow my husband to be there for the birth and that the baby would come on time....baby didn't come on time and no option of inducing, my husband and kids left, I stayed behind with my mom for nearly a month waiting for my overdue baby. Hubby had a business trip and flew into Las Vegas...3 hours later (and 3 weeks late) baby was born. It may not have happeend when I wanted it but the Lord did answer my prayer. My husband was there for the birth of his son and 6 days later I was able to move with my family. Also, in hindsight my mother passed away in January and that month that I go to spend uninterrupted with her while my husband and children were here in Kansas was such a blessing in my eyes. From this experience I learned to always trust in the Lord and in his timing. He knows you, he hears your prayers, and he knows what he is doing. (((Big Hugs))
OH, my gosh, Allia!! You are so not the only one with those feelings and questions. It's hard when you are trying to do what you are supposed and following what you thought were answers to your prayers but then nothing is working out, why? My family has been through a tremendous amount of trial also this past year and I just cann't describe to you how much I feel the same as you. Everyone says "have faith" and "pray" and "the Lord knows you" and so many other things that are so true, but it's really hard to figure things out when you have small children who need and want things and a family you are trying to be strong for and not knowing what the future holds. Anyway, you aren't alone and I totally feel for you. I hope things work out soon for you and your beautiful family.
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